Someone's Eye!!!

The Eye is composed of:
  • A soft round blob with a hole in it
  • Wet hairs
  • A bloody metal poker
  • Miscellaneous nuts/fasteners

Pedestrian Hell

What's all this Pedestrian Hell stuff?

Pedestrian Hell is a run-of-the-mill hell. It's an ordinary, common, garden variety, Pedestrian Hell. Things don't spontaneously combust into raging fires here in Pedestrian Hell. They simply rust and fall apart in an ugly heap that smells bad. People don't burn in a lake of fire, rather they drag themselves along in discomfort, vaguely aware that they are in Pedestrian Hell.

What about pedestrians? Is this hell for them too?

Of course it is. It's not specifically a hell for pedestrians, mind you, but pedestrians should watch out anyway since they might wind up here.

Ask yourself: Should I really be browsing this site? No? Then you may have come to the right place. Life doesn't get interesting until you find yourself on the other side of that imaginary line you thought you'd never cross.

The Pedestrian Hell Experience

Here's a whole boatload of stupid little cager monkeys obstructing bike lanes. Chicago Bike Lane Violators

The Monkey Zone

Oil is dying, help it!

If you want to help fix our oil addiction try National “Push Your Car To Work” Day.

Or try The Hirsch Report.

Pedestrian Hell Monkeys:

  • Chat in the Monkey Zone
  • Rant rant rant
  • Write poetry and other icky stuff
  • Ask stoopid questions
  • Get ignored by the zoo keepers
  • Suck it up
  • Enter to win an alien anal probe

Fully Assembled Monkeys

Peak Oil Prose

Along the seashore, a man astride, gallops a large black horse. Atop the man's head rests untroubled a great hat. The horse withers and falls. The man tumbles off. The hat plunges into the surf, and is lost.

  • Horse: oil
  • Man: technology
  • Hat: modern civilization
  • Surf: merciless nature

Our Philosophy

Unfair and Unbalanced

Pedestrian Hell refuses to maintain any journalistic ethic, integrity, etc. We believe in spewing whatever we please. We censor whatever we want to. We hypocritically dish it out and refuse to take it. All sense of decorum is lost on us, except when it suits us.

We might be:

  • Duplicitous
  • Peevish
  • Annoying
  • Banal
  • Capricious
  • Hedonistic
  • The Spanish inquisition
  • Mind expanding
  • Mind contracting
  • Mindless
  • Sick little monkeys

Yes, we do eat our own.

Pedestrian Hell's Lord And Master

You've heard it said: "It is easy to take liberty for granted, when you have never had it taken from you." But I say: "You won't take it for granted once I've finished with you!"
— — Dick Chain

p.s. I've got a gun, and I randomly shoot people.

Store

Coming Soon

When we open our store we intend to soil whatever we sell before it's sold.

Store Location

  • 2010 East Irving Park Rd.
  • Chicago, IL 60666
  • USA

Store Hours

  • Mon and Thu: 10am - 13am
  • Wed: Closed
  • Tue and Fri: 1am - 5am
  • Sat: Nope.
  • Sun: Closed, except when government regulations require us to cull the monkey population.
Be prompt, and have a life vest handy.

Contact Information

  • Phone: Some people have them.
  • Fax: Oh please, a fax machine?

Now those who seek absolute power, even though they seek it to do what they regard as good, are simply demanding the right to enforce their own version of heaven on earth, and let me remind you they are the very ones who always create the most hellish tyranny.
— — Barry Goldwater

Pedestrian hellish tyranny... let's do it!